Framed in the context for relationships, but applies to most if not all areas of your life.
Short Version: Certainly pain is not nice, but pain is a part of life and relationships, and in fact it is a part of the balance of magnifying how good the good parts of life and relationships are. By trying to avoid pain, you end up not only avoiding the good parts, but end up replacing it all with chronic FEAR. Chronic fear sucks and stands in the way of the good stuff.
Long Version:I think we all know that being in a relationship can be fun! Especially in the beginning when you have all that New Relationship Energy (NRE). At some point, regular life kicks back in and you and your partner have to navigate all of the complications, including when you’ve hurt each other, intentionally or otherwise. Let’s be real, pain sucks. Often times, we try to avoid pain; whether it be out of “don’t want to create conflict”, unresolved trauma, not wanting to ruin the relationship, got to appear perfect socially, etc. Lots of FEAR and AVOIDANCE.
So when you are full of FEAR of pain, you end up bottling up all your feelings until you explode. Which usually doesn’t end well. You’re not expressing clearly and often clouded by the sudden rush of all your feelings. Ironically, this often does damage the relationship. Hence why its early to get past the fear, and go through the pain on your terms.
Processing through your feelings and pain is very simple in steps, very tough in application, so I invite you to find support as needed!
Step 1: Feel your feels. Describe your feelings out loud (or write them down) and how they feel in your brain and heart. Describe how they make your body feel. Tightness in body? Freezing? Shame, Guilt, Abandonment? etc.
Step 2: Process. Take a breath. You didn’t change as a person. Your feelings are you and a part of your human experience. Feelings come and go and that’s natural! Holding on to your feelings is straining!
Step 3: You’ve felt your feelings. You might have had not nice thoughts, but you didn’t react to those thoughts in the real world. Again, you’re not a different person. You’re not a bad person. You’re created space to be vulnerable and open, which means there is space for gratefulness and acceptance for the person you are and your partner in the here and now, and created space for what you want and need.
When you have rewired yourself to feel through your feelings, you realize the pain has a beginning and an end. You realize that sometimes your brain is subconsciously trying to protect you, and sometimes it sends out ALERT FEAR ALERT signals intensely, but disproportionally to the event in front of you. Now you can move forward!