I’ve been reading a variety of thoughts about the concept of forgiveness, and to be honest, I feel like it’s not necessarily a topic talked about in depth, and so, here I am writing out what is only my opinion about what I think it means. I hope it serves as food for thought.
Because I’m writing from a stream of thought perspective, here is my biggest gripe: Forgiveness doesn’t have to be some blanket thing in that it’s either “You’re not forgiven” or “Everything is forgiven; all is water under a bridge”. Some people can operate that way. I’ve found that it doesn’t work for the majority. I think it is very much a spectrum; it depends on context, depth and relationship. I think two different people in your life can hurt you in the same way, and you don’t have to forgive them equally.
I think the above all most important part of forgiveness is that going through with forgiving SERVES you. If it heals the relationship with the other person is nice bonus, but it doesn’t have to.
Example: Let’s say in the past you had a not nice significant other who hurt you.
What forgiveness CAN BE:
That person taught you a lot of things you DONT WANT in your life. (And you only know this after the fact)
You’re recognizing that just because you’ve been hurt, doesn’t mean you have to stay hurt. (You’re putting yourself back in the driver’s seat)
You’re giving yourself new opportunities (Whatever they may be)
That person has grown and changed for the better, and you still don’t want them in your life. (Centering around your needs, not theirs)
Forgiveness IS NOT:
What that SO did was ok or we’re going to pretend it didn’t happen. (In fact, it’s the opposite, it’s highlighting that it definitely happened, and it was not ok)
They have a pass to come back into your life.
They’re suddenly a good person.
Your hurt is suddenly and miraculously healed.
When people say “Forgiveness is about letting go”, I agree with that! You can move on with your life. You can be empowered again to manage your feelings. You can choose to engage, or not engage with certain people or events. You’re not anchored to those people or past events any more.
My biggest point with forgiveness is that it gives people the space to heal and grow into new and better versions of themselves. I will be the absolute first one to admit: There are some actions in my life that with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I didn’t do. For my now and for my future, I won’t do it again, and I want to be better. That’s the forgiveness for me. For people who I’ve hurt, if they’ll have me again, I am gracious for the opportunity to be better in our lives.
At its very core, forgiveness is for you and for me to have space to screw up and be human, and still go on to live our lives.
To head off the obvious question: What if the other person did something unforgivable?!
I would go back to the start – Forgiveness is a very personal thing. You might think it’s unforgivable; I may think otherwise. 1,000,000 people may think it’s unforgivable, I still may think otherwise.
I would want to center it around you – I don’t think anybody in the world can tell you if something is forgivable or not – you can have support for sure, but you got to own that conclusion for yourself. If you think something is truly unforgivable, and are ok with carrying that in your life, then, that’s ok! The reverse is true too – if I think something is unforgivable and you think it’s forgivable, that’s ok. It’s when you think something is unforgivable, but can’t live with the consequences of holding that feeling that there is conflict, and the same with the reverse, when you’re trying to forgive something that you haven’t come to terms with yet.