Writing this in an effort to see if this summarize your experiences.
Starting from childhood, you’re taught that the world is a tough harsh place (Generational Trauma perhaps). You need to become strong; as a kid you’re weak and deficient and if you don’t train up ASAP and beat out your peers, you’ll be found out. People will discover your weakness and deficiency, and shame you, take advantage of you and harm you.
This primes the “fear” drive in you extremely strongly; overactive to a point. Henceforth, all that hard work and achieving and hustle is in pursuit of your own protection so that society and others can’t harm you or shame you. Simultaneously society is something you are anxious and in fear of (you want to people please), and society is the thing you want to avoid lest they discover your authentic self.
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Carrying that internalized shame into adulthood this causes problems from the “perceived” threats to you.
This can look like distrust in others (Yet feeds into loneliness – fear and anxiety when it comes to being vulnerable and authentic feels like being exposed and open to attack).
Hyperactive vigilance to keep up “Face”.
Anxiety and stress bleeding over into other parts of your life.
Imposter syndrome and ironic low confidence in areas you are skilled in.
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Healing comes from recognizing and acceptance.
- There’s no good that comes out a shaming a kid; kid’s don’t behave poorly in that as a kid, you literally don’t know better. That’s what the learning and experience is meant to teach you how to operate in the world.
- Parents often continue the generational cycle because that’s what they know best. These parents are hurting too with the same shame. Inject some compassion here.
- Forgiving yourself for perpetuating that internalized shame, and committing to being kinder and more compassionate to yourself.
- Recognizing strength that there are those who would seek to try to hurt you or shame you. Recognize that they are hurting too, and that there isn’t a real way for them to hurt you. And even if they could, recognize you have the strength to stand up again.