This is hypothesis and broad generalizations, main audience: Asian men
Using this paper as a jumping off point:
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40806-018-0163-7
“Among the most frequent reasons that men indicated for being single included poor flirting skills, low self-confidence, poor looks, shyness, low effort, and bad experience from previous relationships.”
Long story short: men who suck at dating have a bad time with dating. Duh. A deeper dive into the “why”.
Looking through with some API culture lens:
– Self Confidence: Hard to have self confidence when criticism is plentiful and praise is… non-existant
– Poor looks: Grooming doesn’t really lean towards “Look good, groom well, have good fashion”; more “Don’t look shabby”
– Shyness: Ayyy hello low social skills and awkwardness; social skills not taught in school or by parents
– Low effort: Can’t get good at dating if you are busy being told to study. Can’t get good at dating, if you’re spending half your time hiding your dating. (You get really good at hiding info though). Your mid 20s is a tough time to enter the dating scene if you started post graduation.
– Bad experience from previous relationships: Negative reinforcement
Looking at the previous generation, there was a lot of struggle. They were too busy trying to survive that “dating” and “marriage” existed very much on the practical end of the spectrum. Financial stability was a top reason to get together. Marriage was a big deal because it wasn’t just two people getting together, it was two families, two resources, two networks, and so on.
Historically we have sucked as a culture when it comes to finding compatible partners, so much so that matchmaking was/is a viable career in Asia; widespread and an acceptable means to find a partner!
Fast forward to modern day. Especially here in the West (such as here in the USA for me), we’re in an age where there is significantly less pressure for women to look for practical securities. We’re in a time where women entering and climbing in the workforce has never been better. Women are having strong careers and make their own money.
Now add culture clashes! Women who are creating their own financial security, yet being told they need to find a partner who can also provide. Why?! Part of women having financial security is that they have the space to find partners beyond the practical! Love and respect centered relationships that are fun!
In a cursory search of 20 lists of “What qualities do women look for in men”, SENSE OF HUMOR consistently tops the list.
- At no point is a sense of humor practical, unless your income depends on that, such as comedian. (Humor is very important as a part of enjoying life)
- I’m betting you didn’t learn humor from your parents. Nor did you learn dating strategies.
In top conversations that I’ve never had with my parents, and I’m sure many of you have never had either:
- How to flirt with women / go on a good date
- How to be funny
- How to be a good lover
- How to use love languages (No household role models either)
- How to dance
Dating is very much a skill set! Your ancestors have passed down methodology for practical educations for 20 generations. Your unskilled-at-dating ancestors also passed down nothing related to modern dating for 20 generations.
Citing from the above paper, we’re now seeing a burnout of men from the dating scene. Top reasons:
- Anxiety
- When you’re taught you need to be great at whatever you do, but you’re not taught social skills / how to date, its anxious AF
- Lack of time
- If you’re too busy trying to meet practical metrics like climbing career ladder and studying, you’re not spending time learning how to date / go on dates
- Enjoy being single
- Being single has free time with NO OBLIGATIONS / HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE TO SOMEBODY ELSE. If you’ve lived most of your life having obligations, this freedom feels AMAZING
- Simply having “Given up”
- Dating is an experience that has very high failure rates. You have to go on dates to discover the other person (and yourself), and most of time, you find out you’re not incompatible in the romance realm. This can be frustrating and disheartening
- The frustration doubles up when you’re taught your value is tied to being in a relationship, and so by logical conclusion, if you’re not in a relationship, your value is less. (Very dysfunctional mentality)
If you’re read this far, thank you for entertaining my theory. If way too much of this resonates with you and you would like to learn how to grow and have healthy dates and relationships, reach out to me and let’s talk. The jist will consist of unlearning a lot of the unhealthy perspectives that don’t serve you, and learning how to create and apply a mindset that serves you; this is custom for each person – I wish I could write about a one size fits all solution.