To start off with, the “Apps” can often be a huge burning dumpster fire. I will not disagree with that (Even if I met my current partner on Coffee meets Bagel)
Where I’m coming from is how on the apps, people set standards and dealbreakers (mostly nothing wrong with this). Even if you are the type where you want a partner with a certain height, certain weight, certain income etc etc…. That’s just you! You’re welcome to set as many standards as you like. I hope you recognize that you draw from a smaller and smaller pool hand in hand.
The segue is how this bleeds into the first few dates. I feel like what I am seeing is that there is this atmosphere of “IDENTIFY RED FLAGS ASAP – DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME, MONEY OR ENERGY IN YOUR SEARCH OF THE ONE”. For sure noticing red flags is very important! Don’t get blinded by the rose colored glasses of having a good time. However I think the pendulum has swung too far to the other side where the hyper focus of finding red flags comes from a place of perfectionism and super judgey behavior, instead of coming from a place of compassion. This isn’t a call to accept every weird and uncomfortable thing in a date or your partner – this is a call to try to understand first before making reflexed action. Most people are dealing with SOMETHING at any given time, to varying degrees of skill and success.
The bulk of clients that I work with are in 20s and 30s – prime time to be out on the dating scene. The idealism and fantasy of going on cute dates and having fun on high. It’s not like people dream of fights or uncomfortableness with their partner. Yet fights and uncomfortableness are a part of all relationships – growth, adjustment, acceptance. Having the self awareness of yourself (I am for sure not perfect, and I treat everybody as having very human flaws and struggles) is the controllable part of your relationship. You get to figure out how you want to make it work, instead of discarding people as disposable. This disposableness of people in itself is toxic to both parties; people feeling bad about the situation instead of having the space to learn from the experience, regardless if the relationship works out or not.