Happy New Year!
The context of this writing could apply to any person or relationship in your life; I’m going to be writing in the context of romantic relationships.
Scene: You’re having disagreement about [something]. Could be big, could be little. What matters is that you’re not seeing eye to eye and are trying to figure out: How do we get past this?
I’m going to use a common example of MONEY disagreement. One is a more frugal type of person who is practical; can live with “good enough” and wants to save for something like a house. The other partner likes to “live in the moment” more and has no problem spending extra for frills. How to navigate the conversation?
We know off the bat that there will have to be SOME change for the sake of the relationship; the more important point is figure out how to get buy-in from BOTH parties, instead of creating resentment?
Option 1: Ignore the problem! (Quite prevalent).
If you simply don’t acknowledge the problem, and carry on living your individual lives, things will be great! Except that only may work in the moment. This is extremely common in Asian/ Asian American households, where it where the behavior is often learned. However, as the relationship progresses, and lives become more intertwined, it gets more complicated to try to live individually. It becomes hard to see a long term future with your partner, and perhaps you might feel like your partner is “holding you back”. Have you seen couples or parents who look like they are just roommates?
- Ignoring the problem is probably never going to solve it. In the example: When it comes time to try to buy a house and you two aren’t on the same page, what options are left?
- Putting the problem in the back of your mind keeps this ever present low level of stress/anxiety.
- Engaging the problem early let’s you work as a team with calmer heads, instead of it exploding at an inconvenient time, potentially destroying the relationship.
Option 2: Harmony above anything! (Quite prevalent)(Also known as people pleasing)
If you simply sacrifice your perspective and go with the flow / give your partner what they want, then the disagreement is over! Extremely common in Asian/Asian American families from parents to children, which is often where this behavior is learned.
However, there is a new unbalanced dynamic in the relationship when there is people pleasing. This is how many individuals “lose themselves” in the relationship, and often do not have a strong sense of self, or sense of being heard. When you’ve people pleased for so long, it feels natural to use it as a solution. When is it time for you to shine, though? Many times there are perceptions that “we always do what you want”/ Resentment.
- People pleasing may end the conflict in the moment, but it also may be creating bigger problems down the road. You spend some of your money to please your partner, but now you have all this anxiety about your future goals, dreams, and security.
- Expressing and maintaining your individual self is important for your happiness, but also for determining compatibility! I’m sure many know that it sucks to be in an incompatible relationship. I get it that many people are afraid to ask the tough questions and figure out the truth; procrastinating the tough questions means that one or both partners suffer in the mean time. (More afraid of being alone, than getting to live in the relationship that you deserve).
Option 3: Break up with them
If you got a problem with them, dump them! Sounds easy enough. Except when you’ve been together for a long time and your lives are intertwined, it can be extremely daunting to try to unravel all that. The reality is that if you’re not working on conflict resolution, you’re searching for external answers to an internal struggle. Also, let’s be real that in many asian cultures, breaking up with a “good” partner, or even >worse<, divorcing them, will bring great shame or something to the family. Guilt and social pressure aren’t nice at all.
- Dumping your partner and going in search of a new perfect partner doesn’t grow you. The struggles with conflict resolution you carry on your end are still there. May be you find a partner that is on the same page with you financially, but they are not on the same page when it comes to having kids. A good chance that you’ll end up in a vicious cycle of trading partners.
- You should certainly break up with your partner if they are not treating your well or there is major incompatibility! It’s an extremely hard thing to do, and as I tell clients – breaking up shouldn’t be the first option to reach for, but it should be an option.
Option 4: Teach them a lesson / Get even
If you think you can teach your partner a lesson to get them on board, I got some bad news for you. In most relationships, there will be uneven knowledge, skill, or strengths when it comes to every single topic, and that’s ok. How you go about life with this unevenness is another separate matter. On one end, the power dynamic can shift unevenly with one more “parent” and one more “child”. On another end, you’re looking to get some righteous justice that is only going to sour the relationship. Let’s say your partner’s car breaks down and they don’t have the cash to get it fixed. Are you going to hold it over their head and tell them “Haha too bad you should have planned better?”
- Relationship becomes transactional instead of a connection that is based in love. Everything feels like a chore and there’s frustration abound.
- Get even with your partner when it comes to small pranks; not with key relationship matters.
- It is so much better when you and your partner can acknowledge the differences between you two and lift each other up!
Option 5: Negociate / Compromise
Why not? Is this not what people should be doing? On paper, generally yes! However, there are some major pitfalls:
A different version of loss of identity, in this case, each side only gets a little of what they want, instead of either being able to get a lot of what they want.
If you’re arguing about something small, its unlikely both parties are going to really dig their heels in to maintain their position. (Ex. What’s for breakfast?). If you’re arguing about something big, like money, there is likely a long history of experiences and values that made up each person’s position, and thus, it’s going to be extremely hard if not impossible to make somebody compromise.
Your well-being and happiness is not yours anymore – it depends on the negotiation. If you get what you want, but they don’t, you feel like a bad person. If they get what they want, but you don’t, you feel left out. If you both come to a compromise, that’s great, but if you don’t, everybody is still unhappy, and the problem is still there. And that only applies to this hurdle. There will be more hurdles.
- The biggest caveat is that it requires BOTH parties to be open to compromise and change. You can certainly incentivize your partner, but you can’t actually MAKE them change. (If you think you truly can make a person change, that goes back to uneven power dynamic). On top of that, check out how easy it is for you to make YOURSELF a deep down, lasting change. It’s hard.
- Compromise on the small things. Look real hard and deep before you try to compromise not he big things. One partner wants kids, and the other doesn’t? One partner wants to live in the big city and one wants to live in the suburbs? Will there be resentment?
Option 6: Do some inner work.
I’m extremely biased and am going to say this is the one that is preferred to go with. Look deep into yourself Rise above the problem and foster some self discovery. “Why do I feel a lot of strong feelings about me or my partner spending money? Why is it important for me to be practical and forgo frills?”
Is it because its just different wants of thinking? There’s no one way to live life. Other people were taught differently and that’s ok.
Are my values aligned and I’m just being stubborn? It’s ok to grow and change and spend a little and save a little. You’re not stuck being the same person for the rest of your life. Your hard work deserves some celebration.
Is it because I have a scarcity mindset? A scarcity mindset can be valuable, but your situation could have grown and changed, and it might not serve you any more. (Common if you have immigrant parents). Get that extra serving of guacamole.
Am I letting my feelings and anxiousness drive, instead my authentic self? Feelings might be masking some hurt or trauma – There is an opportunity to heal and grow and become a better version of yourself.
Are we fundamentally not aligned as a couple? Is my partner not willing to do some inner work too? Not the happiest of ending, but you figure out early on that this might not be the person to spend your life with. (And be unhappy with). In the short term this sucks, but this serves you in the long term.
- The reason I am biased about this being the preferred solution is ironically, this does not require your partner’s input! This is all about you, and you have full control over yourself. Whatever lessons you learn, you get to take with you for the rest of your life.
- Even if you have to do some tough digging, you get some authentic truths.