I’ve had a lot of questions pointed at me, as well as having read a lot of posts asking if “XYZ is normal in a relationship”.
I can get that the spirit of the question isn’t coming from a bad place. However, I think often times the question doesn’t serve the asker (nor do many of the answers serve the asker).
- “Normal” is a relative term to every other relationship in the world. It may or may not apply to YOUR relation.
- “Normal” isn’t that great to be honest; it’s trying to fit an expectation version of a relationship to your actual relationship. Other people’s values may or may not be your values. It robs you of the opportunity to discover the fun and unique bits of your relationship.
- Perhaps you’re asking the question to seek the comfort of the “community”. You’re not wrong for wanting comfort, but you end up putting the community before you and your relationship.
- Perhaps you’ve been taught “Not to stand out too much”. Yet, I think most if not all would say “Why would you settle for a relationship that is just “ok”?”
- There are some social culture norms that are common, yet at the same time, toxic! Examples: It might be ‘normal’ in some places to look down upon interracial relationships, LGBT+ relationships, etc.
It might be ‘normal’ to have kids, but you might not want them
It might be ‘normal’ for male half of hetero relationships to be breadwinner, but maybe that’s not want you want.
A better question to ask yourself first is “Is XYZ acceptable to ME and US?” This leaves space to be weird, fun, unique, and grounds the relationship. It leaves space for discovery; you might be all in for the topic at hand, but you might not be against it either. It leaves space for communication and boundary pushing.